Believe In Something Lost and Found

Hey, M.

I’m staring at Andii’s face while he slept beside me, his face a mask of sheer oblivity to the world around him, or at least to me sitting at his side… and then for some reason, I remembered you. I don’t think I’ve thanked you enough last year for making me feel very special and very loved, and although in the end you’ve found your happiness in someone else, until the end (of our … “time”, ) you have managed to make me believe in the existence of true, mad, deep love… the kind that cynics and skeptics like Moi had denied, desisted, avoided, etc. Yes, i did mock everyone else who felt, no, who believed that they had that one true love, the one that happens only once in a lifetime, girls who pray to God that “Sana, sana siya na ang para sa akin… and kung hindi man, gawin mo na lng ako para sa kanya...”. hello, ano ito, produkto ni Nicholas Sparks?—until I met him. :D  See. Even the word “him” puts a smile on my face, and on my blog. If I were someone else who met me I’d say I’m crazy-cheesy. Anyway… I’m now a convert. I’m now a believer. 

I’m sorry if I have loved you differently, if what I have felt for you were never enough, if what I had shown you were just a fraction of what you had shown me. I’m sorry if the reason I loved you in the first place was because you love me that much-until it lasted, of course. I’m not sure if you’re happy at the moment, but I do hope you are, even if you’re in hell. LoL.

Anyway, I was thinking of you at the moment, because now i find myself so in love that I’m beginning to display all the psychotic behavior you’ve shown me while we were together, it’s so freakish I hate it. I’m head over heels and I’m scared to my wits that the tables have turned on me now. I’m now the paranoid one who’s worried he’s texting somebody else, or is with someone else when we’re not together. I’m the one who sneaks a peek at his fone to inspect his messages. I have turned to this green-skinned monster who’s overly jealous and extremely paranoid. The one who expects his Facebook status will include me… the one who takes pictures of him, of us, incessantly.  I am now the Bitch who desperately wants to be loved. I have turned into You...-but I am yet to update my Rship status because I’m afraid he won’t confirm it. To think that I did not post anything on my wall, anything, that included you. 

I know this will end badly for me. It always does. I seem to have a knack of hooking up with all types of Assholes. I’m a magnet for creeps. But nevertheless, I fell for Andii, hook, line and sinker. And this kind of love… will definitely hurt in the end. Just thinking about our impending doom breaks my heart. 

Well, to get to my point (as usual, my thoughts had ran away from me), If what I feel now for Andii is the same as what you have felt for me before, then, THANK YOU!— Now I know how intense the emotion was. I’m really sorry I wasn’t capable of reciprocating. It would have been nice, no, perfect, if I had loved you as much as you did love me. 

So, that’s two things I’m grateful to you for loving me. One is for making me happy during that time. The second is because of that, I do not have to pray to my God for that-I had that, with you. OK na ako dun. After all, being loved that much only happens once to most people. Malay natin, I may have another one. I only have to pray that this thing with Andii would last, even if he doesn’t love me back as much, or even at all. He will, eventually. I’ll teach him every everyday how until he learns to, or until he finally lets go. For now I’m promising I wont.

bye,

K.

2 months ago  /  0 notes

ramblings of depression

so this is what death feels like.

food is tasteless. i dont feel hunger.

even the chocolates lost their allure.

i can’t sit, i can’t stand, i can’t breathe.

and i definitely cannot just lie awake crying myself to sleep.

my eyes are swollen from all that salt.

my lips are red, and so is my nose.

i just want the numbness that resides in my head contaminate my heart.

so as not to feel anything. nothing at all. i can’t think straight, why should i be allowed to feel, too?that aint fair.

fuck. life’s not fair.

and that friggin’ song migraine is on repeat.

i am this close *———*, this close to drinking myself into oblivion,

and even closer to lighting a smoke.

maybe i should start smoking. maybe the idea of death by asthma is actually inviting.

better than being the walking dead,right? which, now that i remembered, i have to download.

maybe i need a distraction.

maybe i need attention.

all these maybes— are not good for me.

especially not for my mental health.

i wish you could see, with you there is no maybes. only certainty-that’s one of the things i love about you.

i’m certain i’m happy with you.

i’m certain i want you.

i’m certain about that.

all i want, all i need, all that, i found in you.

you’re that light that brought me out of the dark. and you know that.

i just thought you’d love all of me,especially the dark and twisted ones.

*sigh*.

6 months ago  /  0 notes

from a has-been’s point.

we all have the same life: same routines, same 24-hour long days that, of course, at many points, differ in intensity. we have the same money problems, same family problems, same love problems. in fact, our common denominator is our problems. so i don’t see why anyone should be envious of another, when we should always remember that no matter how more successful in life they are, or how beautiful they are, or ridiculously happy, or whatever, i am willing to bet that that person you envy has at least one problem that you wouldn’t want to have, regardless of what the “perks” may be. they may seem happy, but you have the choice to be happy, too. 3 lessons:be content in what you have, and be grateful that at least once you have had- that if you do not have it anymore. if no to the first two, then, dream. dream that you can be that. dream that you can be better, hope that tomorrow, you’ll find yourself happy at the end of the day.

so, you made mistakes during your journey. so what? life is just a lesson, and mistakes are there for us to learn from. we cannot heal if we don’t get wounded in the first place. what doesn’t kill us make us stronger. love lost teaches us to value love. problems harden us, strengthen our relationships, make us wiser, make us bolder to face life even when it seems to be at its most difficult.

how you end up at the end of the day, or at the edge of the road, was because of whatever decision you acted upon. if you were happy in doing it, then be happy at the end. what matters anyway is that at one point, you had been happy. if it were at the beginning, or at the middle, or at the end, or a combination of two, or all three, it doesn’t matter—what matters is that you had been. if it had been a mistake, just don’t forget the lesson learned.

after all, there’s always tomorrow.

8 months ago  /  0 notes

tumbling into a love affair

it started with a touch of your hand.

or was it a text message? or a chat in fb?

it started for me ages ago. .. one look that said, i’m interested, one look i caught you stealing across the bar from where i was sitting with our common friend. i got your name. you got mine. i got your age. too young. no way. but you were cute, nonetheless. from then on i began seeing you everywhere. and i liked it. i liked you. i liked it a lot. i liked you a lot. you made me want to be someone else… someone for you… someone not me… someone who’s free. so i contented myself admiring you. catching you looking my way always made my face break into a smile, and we’d stare each other down when we thought no one else was looking. that’s the boldest i got when it came to you. that and the time when i pulled you closer, pretending i was straining to hear what you had to say. it was the closest i got to you. it was nice.

lifetimes later, i found you online. and we started talking. like we were old friends…when we hadn’t even exchanged more than 50 words to each other for the past, say, 3 years. we exchanged numbers. we started texting. and then, i found you inviting yourself over for dinner. i was more than happy to accomodate you…but i didn’t have the time. so dinner was just that-dinner, with a little chat on the side. you looked good. good enough to eat. i missed looking at that face of yours. one of the few faces that actually got my attention back there. and that was the start of that. the start of spending nights together, talking mindlessly over matters that don’t matter, and mindfully talking over stuff that do matter… i’ve found myself falling asleep halfway through a movie i never really liked but you wanted to see, and you falling asleep after 15 minutes over a movie i wanted to check out. you’d make me listen to songs that left me wondering what the heck was that all about, wasting sleepless nights carefully dissecting lyrics of the song, finding hidden meanings, finding anything, finding nothing. i’d smile at my mental image of you in my bed… your long body spread across the white sheet… i look forward to brunches with you… and.. being able to sleep together without actually having to sleep with each other made me wonder about how totally respectable guy you are, and how ridiculously ugly i am.

and then, we touched.

your fingers met my hand in one fluid movement. neither of us moved. both of us waited for the other to pull away. neither of us did. time stood still in that one, fleeting moment… and then… your fingers entwined into mine..i clutched back, instinctively. the sirens in my head were going off, and i was pretty sure the guy from across the hall could hear them… my pulse is racing, my breaths are coming in and out jagged…and i’m pretty sure i would die in sheer happiness and from bursting with butterflies…and then, your arm draped over me, as did your leg…and i was pretty sure i’d die of anticipation next…. and then… and then you snored.

i knew it! it wasn’t as disappointing as the first time though, since it is not the first time… and… i knew i should have known better than to expect… but old habits are hard to break, and i’m really stubborn… so… serves me right, right? not much of a surprise. so i tried to regulate my breathing… trying to calm my thoughts… trying to sooth my nerves… trying to writhe myself slowly underneath your body carefully as not to wake you… and you held on tighter…and in spite of myself, i smiled.

and then, i was awakened by a kiss, and a delicious one at that… i don’t even like being kissed…something about contagion and hygiene irks the kisses out of my to-do list…i only share kisses with someone i’d share toothbrushes with… and yet… i was blown away… i couldn’t resist… i couldn’t… wouldn’t…your lips locked into mine, and there’s this unspoken surrender… unmistakable urgency…undeniable want…insatiable need…waves of self-denial, alarm bells kept ringing in my ears… telling me that it is wrong to even want you this way… and still, desire won over self-doubt… as you pulled me closer, my hands kept finding your face, your hair, thrice you pulled, and third time’s the charm-i found myself on top of you-lips locked, i could feel your tongue inside my mouth, and i could not think…could not speak…literally could not breathe… i was in another world where no one else exists besides me and you… and in that moment, i am finally yours, and you are finally mine. and since love affairs never really last… i know this one is bound to end soon enough. but until that day...everyday will be filled with the warmth from that one touch… with the fire from that first kiss… and this happy feeling will keep my heart somersaulting until it falls without you to catch it… tumbling down where i dare not imagine. until then.

8 months ago  /  0 notes

disclaimer.

dear reader, 

this is for entertainment purposes only. your negative reactions are not solicited, much less wanted. compliments are welcome. thank you.

you’re so vain. you probably think this song is about you.

*sigh*. am i not creative enough to think of something fictional? is that the reason why you think everything i write is based on something I experienced? Let me tell you one of many things: you don’t have to experience something to learn from it.

so please. let me be. let me write what i am thinking of. let me put into words what my imagination has conjured… let me be.

8 months ago  /  2 notes

Thank you for calling…

This is one of the few moments in my current life wherein I have the luxury to think (reminisce) without any hurried thoughts nor hard-pressing ideas to complicate my much-too-stressed brains(left and right,mind you).

As I’m waiting for my request to be processed in this very familiar hell-hole,I remembered one of the calls I had last night. It was from an old-sounding man, guessing from his voice I’d say he’s about 50 or so. And he slurred. So he said the location he preferred, and I asked, “which state?”, and then he said,”my god, you’re outsourced,aren’t you? why do they keep hiring these stupid monkeys…” i didn’t bother to listen to the rest of his tirade. I’m too hot-tempered to sit and be insulted when I am trying to be very polite and courteous despite the lack of sleep and self-inflicted hunger pangs that had been successfully making their presence known for the last hour. If only I was allowed to talk back and dish out what he’s been spreading around so he’d get a taste of his own venom. Well, I need my job, heck, I have birthday plans for myself nexr month, so I kept mum. I was soon busy after that that it is only now that I remembered that horrid old man.I mean, can’t he be nicer? Is he godless enough not to think of good karma? He’s old an may be running out of time to do good and redeem himself, you know. Does he think he’s perfect that he thinks less of other people? Not minding what they feel? Does he feel superior because he knows I’m from a third-world country? And racist as I may seem,is he part-German to think he’s superior than all the rest of humanity? It’s sad really, for these nationalities to treat outsourced employees like me like we’re stupid and incompetent. Don’t they realize it’s not our fault we’re the ones answering their calls? Aren’t the companies they patronize are the ones they’re supposed to blame for our existence as outsourced agents? I mean, if they are that great, why do they outsource in the first place? They can’t even afford to hire their own people. I call that cheap. Smart, yes. But cheap. They are like Ilocanos. Kuripot,they say,but nonetheless smart for at least being thrifty and frugal.

Oh well. There are people like that. People who other people dislike. Each of us has our own fans. And our own critics. We cannot please everybody. I know that very well. But can they be a little bit more polite, especially when the first words they hear at the onset of their call, is “Thank you for calling”.

Thank you for calling, but don’t call again.

10 months ago  /  0 notes

and still i wonder how i made it to this point…

where your life has entwined with mine.

put your worries away, my love, set aside the doubts that cloud your mind.

for i promise you, that i am yours, and yours alone.

the past do not matter. the future ain’t certain.

i do not even care about the now.

except for the time spent with you.

1 year ago  /  0 notes

Confessions from my runaway mind

somehow i cannot stop thinking about you.

When i realize that somehow i haven’t thought about you in the last 5 minutes, boom! There! I remembered you again.i dont think i’ve gone longer than that. Because when i dont think of you, i talk about you…and my friends would roll their eyes up to me as if to say “oh well, there kate goes again,” and then i’d smile because i found something new to tell you about-how my friends are tired of me talking about you.

Yes. I am mushy. Yes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always been transparent about how i feel.. I am open.. I am loud.. i am talkative. Period :-)

well i am missing my point again. :-)

1 year ago  /  0 notes

mutterings

if i could filter what i wanted to hear from your rantings, i would.

if i could rewind, erase, and do it over differently, i would.

how now could i stop hurting everytime i see you?

1 year ago  /  0 notes